[Story] Rilly

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Offline Purple Ink

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[Story] Rilly
« on: October 01, 2016, 03:28:32 »
I've toyed with the idea of posting this for some time and finally decided "what the heck why not" so here it is. I wrote this in 2012 over about a month and a half. It's a pretty short story compared to my normal fare. It's a fantasy comedy with a dash of romance. Please enjoy. :)

You can find the story here. From there you can see my profile on fictionpress and also see the beginning of another story I started but have long since put on hiatus. I do plan to get back to it soon though. When I do I'll let you know so you can read that one too.

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Offline egomassive

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Re: [Story] Rilly
« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2016, 12:32:36 »
I've read the first chapter so far. "A dash of romance," is putting it mildly. Seems like everybody's going to find someone to crush on in this story. I'm not much of a reader, and when I do it's usually because I'm waiting for my computer to perform some massive task, but I seriously intend to find out what happens next. Thanks for sharing.

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Offline egomassive

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Re: [Story] Rilly
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2016, 02:37:45 »
I've finished it now. It's pretty good. As I was reading it, I felt a little overwhelmed by the quantity of fanciful side tracks and general silliness, but they did a very good job at obscuring the important bits that would later play a role in the plot. That is a major accomplishment in a short story. Most plots are so transparent I've had to develop something akin to suspension-of-disbelief. I call it suspension-of-critical-thinking.

I think the way you describe people's reactions could use a little more variety. Smiles shouldn't play across people's lips so often. I suggest focusing more on the meaning interpreted by the viewer of the expression rather than on facial movements.

One thing that tore me right out of the story was when Rilly stretched and exposed her mid-riff. I realized I had no idea what she was wearing, and then I realized there was barely any description of her at all. Brown hair, innocent eyes, and pretty is all there was up to that point, if I recall correctly. It was also jarring much much later to discover her eyes were blue. Her eyes were in the story so many times; tearing up, going wide. I'd been imagining brown eyes to go with her hair the whole time.

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Offline Purple Ink

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Re: [Story] Rilly
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2016, 04:00:48 »
Hey, thanks for the feedback. :)

Yeah, there's a lot that could be improved. Like I said, I wrote this over a month and a half so didn't really spend as much time editing and improving it like I normally would. I'll definitely keep your feedback in mind for the future though!