Could you do me a favour?

I'd be willing, except my Spanish is basically non-existent, I think they'd see through me pretty quickly.

Be a dear and teach me Spanish, would you?

Oh, I'd love to, but I'm already proficient in every single language in the world except Spanish, and there's not enough space left in my noggin to comprehend, much less teach it.

Hey, could you teach me how to tell seamless and non-obvious lies?

I would, but I'm really really bad at lying. You see, I can only come up with a decent lie when somebody asks me a favor and I want to weasel out of it.

Could you do me a favor and pay my bills? Living in a castle is expensive, y'know.

I would but I need to pay off the loans I took to go to clown school.

Do me a favour and go to the store for me so I don't have to go out in this storm.

Um, I totally would only... my coat is in the wash, and, you know, can't go out on a cold night without a coat!

I'd be very much appreciative if you could be so kind as to do my Christmas shopping for me? I can pay; I just can't be bothered to do the actual shopping.

I would but it's not almost Christmas all those gifts you wanted me to buy are now out of stock.

Do me a favour and help me be able to sleep like an normal person.

I would, but last time I tried that for someone, they slept like a baby, and we all know babies are not yet normal persons.

Could you be a dear and make the covid stuff disappear?

Much as I would love to, my government has sold all contracts to deal with covid-19 to the companies of their friends who largely have nothing to do with science or healthcare, so I'm legally not allowed to be involved.

Since LPChip's request is a busy, would someone be so good as to make it legal and safe for me to travel 100 miles to meet an online friend? This side of Christmas if you can.

Well, I'd love to help, but first I'd have to reach a position where I'd either have the political power to push for a law reform or enough money to bribe all the people in charge. I guess I could let you borrow my imaginary dragon if you're really in a hurry, but good luck getting anywhere safely in that thing, and I don't mean because of Covid...

That said, the idea of running a country into the ground by making all sorts of petty reforms suddenly sounds like a lot of fun... Could you do me a favor and help me pursue a political career?

I'd like to, but that could interfere with my plans for absolute world domination. Unless you'd be willing to serve as a puppet king with no real power (no lying!).

Would you be so kind as to purchase me a non-crappy record player?

I'd love to, man, but I spent all my money building a secret Dungeon of Dread, Doom, Despair and So On under my house.

You'd really be doing me a favour if you could pay off the contractors who built my dungeon before they report me to the Great and Terrible Legions of the Good and All Nice Things; turns out I didn't budget enough bribe money.

I would.... if I weren't one of the contractors, but since I am, I definitely am not going to.

Would be you so kind as to invent something really awesome that changes the world so dramatically its going to be the best thing ever since the big bang, then get it patented and say that your name is LPChip so that you give all the shine and glory to me?

I would, but I'm too busy at the moment trying to convince other inventors to file their patents using my own name. My previous attempts at bribery using candy bars didn't really work.

Would you be so kind as to properly bribe those guys so both me and LPChip can become famous and filthy rich without putting in any effort?

I would, but my previous attempt to bribe you already failed. I have little hopes, really... xD

Would you be very kind and do grocery shopping for me?

Oh man, I'd totally be up for that, except I have one teeny, tiny problem with my car; I got water in the engine and now it won't run.

Can someone help me get my car out of the river?