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Author Topic: Does this look okay?  (Read 7501 times)
Nifflas
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« on: January 27, 2013, 16:50:06 »

I'm adding a last section to the game with information about the documentary film and music. Does this look okay, or should I improve something? I'm not super good with grammar and spelling as you know :)

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PONTO
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« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2013, 17:03:42 »

I think most of the text on Christer Böke should be switched to past tense. Also, perhaps "his defunct grandfather" would sound nicer than "his dead grandfather":
During this year he moved to the island of Gotland on the Swedish countryside, where he built a laboratory in his defunct grandfather's garage. He also lived in France for three months, to learn the language and exchange ideas with French alchemists.

About the Knaster section, I would replace "...a Swedish band which makes..." with "...a Swedish band that makes...".
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SiamJai


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« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2013, 17:30:51 »

I think most of the text on Christer Böke should be switched to past tense.

I think the present tense came from the source of this paragraph (grtwrk.com), which describes the events from the documentary's perspective. I agree that in our context it'd be better in past tense. For 'dead grandfather', I'd suggest 'late grandfather' or 'deceased grandfather' though.
« Last Edit: January 27, 2013, 17:33:12 by SiamJai » Logged

Nifflas
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« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2013, 17:45:03 »

Thanks for the input! How about this?

« Last Edit: January 27, 2013, 17:48:10 by Nifflas » Logged
SiamJai


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« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2013, 17:57:08 »

Looks great! :)

Ponto suggested a comma here, and I also think it'd fit well:

"on the Swedish countryside, where he"


Also, I'd change the semicolon after 'Knaster' to a comma:

"music by Knaster, a Swedish band"
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Nifflas
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« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2013, 18:10:26 »

Sure! I'll change those!
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egomassive


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« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2013, 18:12:34 »

"late grandfather" is the best choice in my opinion. I was going to suggest it before reading the other comments. "dead grandfather" sounds irreverent.

Here's the whole thing in past-tense with some small details changed:

Christer Böke took one year off from a well-paid job as an IT-salesman to become a full-time alchemist. During that year he moved to the island of Gotland in the Swedish countryside where he built a laboratory in his late grandfather's garage. Then, he lived three months in France studying the language and exchanging ideas with French alchemists.
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Nifflas
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« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2013, 18:17:29 »

Here's revision 3 with all suggestions added.

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SiamJai


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« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2013, 18:24:01 »

Looks good to me. :)
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Nifflas
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« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2013, 18:32:49 »

Super!

I'm going to check with the filmmakers if it's also appropriate with a section about Knytt Underground. A free game is a nice opportunity to direct attention to KU's Greenlight page.
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LPChip
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« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2013, 20:16:01 »

The "Then, he lived..." I would replace it with "He then lived ..."

EDIT: Nifflas told me its neither because then suggests it happens afterwards, but thats not true.
« Last Edit: January 27, 2013, 20:25:42 by LPChip » Logged

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Nifflas
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« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2013, 20:24:12 »

Got to get rid of "then" completely. It did not happen after, but during. Do you guys have any suggested ways to do that?
« Last Edit: January 27, 2013, 20:25:47 by Nifflas » Logged
LPChip
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« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2013, 20:28:54 »

How about: "He lived three months in France as well studying..."
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Nifflas
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« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2013, 20:29:26 »

This is what I have now:

"Christer Böke took one year off from a well-paid job as an IT-salesman to become a full-time alchemist. During that year he moved to the island of Gotland in the Swedish countryside, where he built a laboratory in his late grandfather's garage. He lived three months in France as well studying the language and exchanging ideas with French alchemists."
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LPChip
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« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2013, 20:30:53 »

looks good to me :)
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