Corrupt-a-Wish

Granted: you completely lose your sense of touch, because you have leprosy.

I wish the annoying noises would stop.

Granted; you can no longer hear any noises that are perceived by at least one person as being annoying. In other words, you're deaf.

I wish the Cybermatrix 100 was a real thing and did everything the kickstarter page says it does.

Granted, but note that you did not wish for the Kickstarter page to remain the same. The Cybermatrix 1000 is entirely real and, as advertised, really does contain over a tonne of positrons; or perhaps I should say that it did...

I wish for the ability to summon legions of reality-warping Tablecats to aid me in my nefarious plans.

Granted, but one day they will take you into another dimension. There is no way back.

I wish everything was for free.

Granted! Everything is now free, and nobody has to pay for anything. This means, however, that hardly anyone has the motivation to do unpleasant jobs like garbage removal, repetitive factory labor, etc. There aren't enough people who just enjoy growing food or turning raw meat, vegetables, grains and so on into food for other people to eat, without any reward other than satisfaction and maybe a "thanks" or "here's a shirt I made out of aluminum-can pop-tabs for you!" -- so most people have to grow their own food and prepare it themselves.

Subsistence living takes a lot of work, so you have less free time than before. Unless you're one of the unlucky ones who's just no good at gardening or raising livestock you'll have to kill eventually or finding plants that grow wild for you to eat, and who slowly starve to death for want of a way to pay for food...

I wish I was a cat. (Dimension-shifting abilities optional.)

Granted. You are a Tablecat, fighting on the front line of the great interdimensional war against the StraighFlames. Half your friends have died already.

I wish I had much lower (shorter, better) reaction times.

Granted. You are a computer.

I wish I had a new haircut.

Granted! You are now sporting the ever-stylish (...NOT) reverse Mohawk!

I wish I could find my laptop screwdriver.

Granted, but it's physically impossible to reach it where it is.

I wish for a box of fhqwhgads.

Granted! However, sdfg dkytsw fhqwhgad xvgf lkdjthahsd kd.

I wish my best friend Tara hadn't died of breast cancer.

You have one! Unfortunately it shadfwenbiw and rgwrfw twice every fifteen awdhawd. As if that wasn't bad enough, an eogheq arrives at your door and tells you she wants her apjvoojaopjjd back.

Um... Wow, this got dark. I really don't wanna corrupt this!
Ok, granted, she's still alive! But, uh, she, uh, she stubbed her toe! And it really hurt! And she bled all over your carpet!


I wish I had an unlimited supply of healthy, tasty sandwiches.


(Also, sympathies. )

I wish my best friend Tara hadn't died of breast cancer.

 



Granted. You can't eat them, though, because they're panaceas and you can only just summon them fast enough to meet the demand.

I wish the authors of major manga series were less bad at their jobs. (Bleach and Naruto spring to mind.)

Granted! The mangaka (mangaka...s? I have no idea how to make Japanese words plural) of all major manga series are now the best in their fields! Unfortunately, the jobs they are now so good at are in professions unrelated to manga; Mahiro Maeda is an expert spelunker, Masashi Kishimoto is a world-class sushi chef, Yana Toboso is an exceptional personal valet, Tite Kubo is the world's greatest janitor, Eiichiro Oda is a highly-sought-after sculptor, and so on.

I wish for everyone who visits the Nifflas forums tomorrow (which for me means Monday, 4 August 2014, though that's already today for some people) to have a great lousy day. 


(Thanks for the condolences, guys, and sorry for casting a pall. It's been 3 1/2 years, so the pain has its sharp edges worn down by now. I'll never stop missing her, but I'm mostly at peace with her death. So, nota bene for anyone facing a similar loss: it does get easier with time. Honest.)

I have a rotten day. I know it's your fault. I make a wish in retribution.


I wish The Jack could have a REALLY lousy day!

Granted. He potentially could have a lousy day, but the odds of that happening today are one in a million.

I wish there were more platformers on Steam.