Corrupt-a-Wish

Granted! There are now dozens more platformer games available on Steam, in a wide range of styles, genres and difficulty levels. Unfortunately, all platformers available via Steam are now at least USD$90 -- no matter where you buy them through. And all of them are also only available with un-crackable DRM, so there's no way to get any of them without paying.

I wish it was easier to find "footie" pajamas in adult sizes.

(Also, I'm not a "he," StraightFlame, though you're hardly the first to be thrown off by my name.  I'm a Jack.)

Granted. Steam now sells nothing but versions of The World's Worst Platformer. Each version differs from the others by exactly one pixel. Due to subliminal messaging magic, playing through the full three thousand hours (roughly a year playing eight hours a day) of content will cause enlightenment in one percent of players.

Foiled!



Granted. All clothing on the planet is replaced with adult-sized footie pyjamas.

I wish for the next player not to grant this wish.

Wibble! Chocolate hedgehog lemon puffin puffin! Australia waffle explosion Neptune! Eiffel Tower banana muffin! Gelding!



Quack quack orang-utan genie.

Granted.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEEPaYD5KZE

I wish I lived in an aquarium.

Granted. You are one of those small worms that are used as fish food. You will live in aquarium for a while... until some fish eats you alive.

I wish I was better in determination of grasses and grass-like plants.

Granted. No matter how drunk, stoned, concussed or otherwise inhibited you are, you will never fail to distinguish a grass or grass-like plant from a brick wall.

I wish my salary were twice as large.

Granted, your salary has doubled! Unfortunately, there's also 300% inflation affecting all currencies and commodities except your salary, so your actual buying power has dropped to 66.67% of what it was before you made that wish.

I wish I had a nice turkey sandwich.

(@Chrysophylax -- did you originally make a different wish before I ninja'd you, or did Talps have a stroke?)

(That was the result of temporal disturbance brought on by the paradox created by Chrys's post.)

You go out and buy a nice turkey sandwich. In the meantime, your house burns down.


I wish to live a long, happy life, without my standards of what constitutes to be a long, happy life having altered.

Granted. However, your life is physically long, rather than temporally long. Interpret that however you want because i honestly have no idea. Also, your life may be happy, but you definitely aren't.

I wish Sburb existed, and everyone on the forum got a chance to play it. (Perhaps a select few of us could share a session and stuff.)

Granted! Almost everyone still active here participates in a vast, chained session of Sburb.

Unfortunately, about half of us are killed by our meteors (or other mishaps) before we can complete the tasks necessary to entering the Medium, and all of the survivors failed to prototype our kernelsprites, so we're stuck in an unwinnable null session. Unlike the canonical alpha kids, though, nobody's coming to save us. One by one, we die -- some commit suicide, some are killed by denizens or other hazards (noble gases are notoriously asphyxiating) on our lands, and the last few holdouts succumb to starvation. So, we destroyed the earth, and everyone and everything we'd ever known or cared about, essentially for nothing. You're the last to go, having endured all our blame and resentment on top of blaming yourself.

I wish I could read The Splendor and Misery of Bodies, of Cities (the sequel to Stars in My Pocket Like Grains of Sand) by Samuel R. Delany, without anyone or anything -- including this wish! -- forcing him to finish it when he doesn't want to. (Despite the fact that the sequel is never coming, I highly recommend SiMPLGoS, one of my favorite books by one of my favorite authors. It will expand your mind. Oh, and if the prologue bores you too much, you can skip right to the beginning of chapter 1 without missing anything essential; the rest of the book is in a different style most people find much more engaging.)


(Thanks, StraightFlame!  That's actually the very solution I usually suggest, since all the alternative 3rd-person-singular pronouns in English are unwieldy at best.)

Granted. You fall into a coma and wake up in a dystopian future in which the book in question has been written. You struggle to find a job, but at least the library has all Delany's books.

I wish to own a Death Note.

Granted, you are dead.

I wish my stomach problems were gone.

Granted. They are gone. Unfortunately they took your stomach with them.

I wish for banana.

You have a banana. When you peel back the skin, it's full of spiders.


I wish Team Ico would release their games on Steam.

Granted, but Ico doesn't make it past Greenlight because they used the North American box art for its icon.
(and also something about it being the ps2 version of shadow of the cololoocewdoflj instead of something made for pc i dont care one bit)

I wish both genders had equal rights already so we can all stop with the feminazi and MRA crap.