[Story]Pumpkinbot's stories

Wait wait wait wait wait.

Stockholm? In California!?

I've been to Stockholm, and I'm pretty sure it's not in California!

You better be giving me an explanation for this... As I'm going to read your story becuase I wat to find out what that's about 

Spoiler: Spoiler'd for space. (click to show/hide)

Great introduction. I'm hooked! Felt a little like Harry Potter plot-wise at first but that's not a bad impression I suppose.

One thing I'm missing though. Some description of the environment. Only thing we know is that it's cold, it's winter, the building is old and we have no other orphanage in the vicinity. How's the street? Is the ground frozen? Has snow fallen? Does the wind blow? From what direction? What color is the building? I kinda feel that it's gray but it could be lime green for that matter. The building is old but how old? Does it have a certain structure which belongs to a certain period of time? (Like gothic architecture was popular in 18th century England).
Are there any other buildings in the area? In my mind the area is pretty empty and the orphanage is the only building.

What does the man and woman look like? We don't know. Why? Are their heads covered in clothing? Is is too dark to see their faces (since it's night)? If it's too dark to see their faces why can we see the small bundle? Any street lights? If so are the light bright or dim (my choice)?
Are the tall? thin? Is it hard to define due to clothing? What kinda clothing do they wear?

You haven't really told us anything about appearance. You could easily expand the first chapter with a lot of such without spoiling anything.

I hope you can use this somehow. I'm awaiting the second chapter.

"We usually wait until they're in their thirties...

Quote from: Pumpkinbot on August 07, 2009, 08:30:30

"We usually wait until they're in their thirties...

Anyway, interesting. Keep writing.

Neat. Some setting and background info would be nice, but still..

The dialogue betwin people should be worked on. Try to give the main persons different personalities. Its so dull with each person is so identical and I don't mean that one person is angry and say angry things while another is happy all the time, like in Disney movies and that shit.

Quote from: Kasran on August 08, 2009, 01:54:02

Quote from: Pumpkinbot on August 07, 2009, 08:30:30

"We usually wait until they're in their thirties...

Anyway, interesting. Keep writing.

"We usually wait until they are in their thirties..."

... Stockholm, California was a busy city. Nobody interferes if it doesn't concern them.  ...

... on which she wrote the child's first name and a false last name. ...

... and retreated out of the yard and out of sight.

OMG! He's alive! =D

Wait wait wait wait wait.

Stockholm? In California!?

I've been to Stockholm, and I'm pretty sure it's not in California!

Quote from: Pumpkinbot on August 07, 2009, 08:30:30

... Stockholm, California was a busy city. Nobody interferes if it doesn't concern them.  ...

You're jumping between past and present time. (don't know the correct English words in relation to grammar, sorry)
That feels kinda weird.

Stockholm, California was a busy city. Nobody interfered if it didn't concern them.
Stockholm, California was a busy city. Nobody would interfere if it didn't concern them.
Stockholm, California is a busy city. Nobody interferes if it doesn't concern them.

Maybe.............  

Quote from: Pumpkinbot on August 07, 2009, 08:30:30

... on which she wrote the child's first name and a false last name. ...

Just wondering, was it necessary for us to know that the last name was fake? I would have expected something like that to appear later allowing both the reader and the character to feel surprised at the same time later. This kinda pulls that surprise out of the plot for later. And at this point it doesn't seem to have the same effect as I imagine it would later, if some stranger calls her by another name or whatnot... (?)

Quote from: Pumpkinbot on August 07, 2009, 08:30:30

... and retreated out of the yard and out of sight.

This repeating of words feels a bit awkward to me. Someone else please comment on this and criticize my critique.
I guess I would prefer something like cutting the "and" for a faster pace. "out of the yard, out of sight." ... maybe. Maybe: "out of the yard disappearing in the night."
Maybe I just suck... well, these are my thoughts.

Anyhow, I see changes but environment and setting still feels a bit plain. Good work though. How about trying to answer some of my prior questions through the text?

And,

Quote from: Pumpkinbot on August 08, 2009, 00:00:35

OMG! He's alive! =D

Huh... ?

Quote from: Didriking on August 07, 2009, 23:44:58

Wait wait wait wait wait.

Stockholm? In California!?

I've been to Stockholm, and I'm pretty sure it's not in California!

A Stockholm could very easily, very possibly by located elsewhere in the world apart from Sweden.
See Denmark: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denmark_(disambiguation) ... New York, Canada, Australia.
Using Stockholm could lead to confusion though, but might also be crucial to the plot. We never know.