Nifflas' Support Forum

Being Creative => Development Showcase => Topic started by: Pumpkinbot on May 30, 2009, 08:15:39

Title: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (New movie ruined it. D: )
Post by: Pumpkinbot on May 30, 2009, 08:15:39
First, a backstory on the title. The Aztecs were a very advanced civilization. On their calendar, they calculated everything perfectly, like lunar cycles, up until 2012, where the calendar stops. Same goes for many other stories, most suggesting an apocalyptic ending. This created a panic saying that the world was going to end in 2012. Also, this one poet guy (I don't know his name) wrote a poem waaaaaayyyyy back when about "two birds flying into the monoliths" or something like that. Then, on September 11, 2001, the 9-11 attacks occured. Two birds flying into the monoliths. He later wrote about the end of the world. He said "the earth would be engulfed in fire." Nuclear bombs, perhaps? That's one third of my inspiration. Another part is the amount of Stephen King I've been reading (Christine, It, Everything's Eventual, and Duma Key), and the last part...would give away a good portion of the story if I told you. C)
Now...TEH STORIE!!1!!1oneshiftone!


Spoiler: Character Bios (click to show/hide)

Criticism and comments?
EDIT: More bios (and pictures) to come later!


EDIT2: This (http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/2012-roland-emmerich.html#watch) movie kinda ruined my intentions on where this was going. D: That (and my writer's block) made me quit this story. T-T
The movie looks good, though. I liked The Day After Tomorrow and Independence Day so it should be another great apocalyptic movie. :3
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012
Post by: utherdoul on May 30, 2009, 10:29:37
This certainly has a lot of potential. As a beginning, it has a decent enough hook and I am genuinely interested what happens next. However, some criticisms and advice I've garnered over the years:

Firstly, a specific plot issue. Connor is tired, hungry and angry, but it seems extremely unlikely that that would make him accidentally turn the complete opposite direction on his way to school (a journey he's probably made hundreds of times). You could make it more believable by making him deliberately go the opposite way (for whatever reason), or make him attempt a short-cut and get lost that way.

Also, I think the way you describe some actions is a bit superfluous. As an example, the sentence "...but left the trash bin in it's usual spot under the sink" is too long and complicated to explain such a simple (and I'm sure, unimportant to the overall story-arc) action. Why does the reader need to know the trash bin lives under the sink? Could you have explained it in a way that also expresses Connor's personality or history? If he's aggressive, he could flip the proverbial bird at the bin. Or he could give it a kick instead. That would express his character bette than simply leaving it there.

One vitally important thing you need to do as an author (and one of the most difficult things to do) is to chop words, sentences, even paragraphs from your final work. Clearly, this is a WIP, so far from a final product, but it's good to remember this from the beginning. Unnecessary description can detract from the main story and break the flow, which will lead in the reader losing interest.

You should ask yourself how important your descriptions, etc are to:
If your phrase doesn't really contribute to these, then you should consider rewriting it or just cutting it out entirely.

As I said, this is still a WIP, so this might be a bit premature, and the phrase I used as an example doesn't really detract from the story, but to me it hints that you might spend a lot of time on descriptions and actions that aren't relevent.

Anyway, keep at it, Pumpkinbot! You have an excellent idea and I can see it becoming something great... Remember, know your ending first. That'll keep you aiming at a particular destination and keep you focused.
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012
Post by: Evil on May 30, 2009, 23:51:05
I don't see no apocalypse.
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012
Post by: Bored2death on May 30, 2009, 23:52:10
Nice, you have talent, not much to add to utherdoul's post, but one comment i would like to make: chapter one, you call Connor a she :
   
Quote
As he passed his mother's room, she heard her announce quietly, "Take out the trash, please."
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012
Post by: Purple Pineapple on May 31, 2009, 00:07:38
Does the boyfriend incident have any significance to the overall story?
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012
Post by: Pumpkinbot on May 31, 2009, 02:43:05
Does the boyfriend incident have any significance to the overall story?
Not really. It was kind of a trick. When you see someone pin another to a expeisive car, you think of it being a boyfriend, right? Well...*points to second chapter*


Nice, you have talent, not much to add to utherdoul's post, but one comment i would like to make: chapter one, you call Connor a she :
LOL. XD I'll fix it.


I don't see no apocalypse.
This is only the first two chapters. *points to WIP in subject*  Work In Progress.


Spoiler: Long quote is long. (click to show/hide)
Thanks. :D

EDIT: Added the third chapter. This is a bit longer than the other two, so I just added it alone.
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (Chapter three is up! :D)
Post by: utherdoul on May 31, 2009, 11:01:38
The third chapter is brilliant! Connor is becoming a believable character. As for David... was he inspired by this ( C)p ), by any chance?
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (Chapter three is up! :D)
Post by: Dataflashsabot on May 31, 2009, 14:44:14
Excellent story! A few grammar errors though, in particular its/it's:

In most things in English, an apostrophe is used to show possession, as in 'Pumkinbot's story' rather than 'Pumpkinbots story'. With 'it', however, things are confusing- the possessive of 'it' is in fact just 'its', so 'the cat licked its paws' rather than 'the cat licked it's paws'. 'It's' is only used as an abbreviation for 'it is', as in 'it's written by Pumkinbot' not 'its written by Pumkinbot'. A very stupid and confusing rule if you ask me, but it has to be followed ;). You've used 'it's' where you should have used 'its' several times in your story.

Other than that, very well written! (I never could write good stories myself >.<)
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (Chapter three is up! :D)
Post by: Pumpkinbot on May 31, 2009, 23:10:17
The third chapter is brilliant! Connor is becoming a believable character. As for David... was he inspired by this ( C)p ), by any chance?
XP No, I imagined David as this one guy from Trauma Center. Blond hair? Kinda long? Looks like the Australian guy from Bones? His "happy" mugshot is like the C)p emote.

Excellent story! A few grammar errors though, in particular its/it's:

In most things in English, an apostrophe is used to show possession, as in 'Pumkinbot's story' rather than 'Pumpkinbots story'. With 'it', however, things are confusing- the possessive of 'it' is in fact just 'its', so 'the cat licked its paws' rather than 'the cat licked it's paws'. 'It's' is only used as an abbreviation for 'it is', as in 'it's written by Pumkinbot' not 'its written by Pumkinbot'. A very stupid and confusing rule if you ask me, but it has to be followed ;). You've used 'it's' where you should have used 'its' several times in your story.

Other than that, very well written! (I never could write good stories myself >.<)
I was thinking about that while I was typing. X( I was thinking, Hmm...Something looks wrong...Oh, well! :D
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (Chapter three is up! :D)
Post by: Purple Pineapple on May 31, 2009, 23:48:18
I still don't see how the boyfriend ties in.
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (Chapter three is up! :D)
Post by: Pumpkinbot on June 01, 2009, 00:02:47
I still don't see how the boyfriend ties in.
He's a minor character. I said that. :|
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (Chapter three is up! :D)
Post by: Purple Pineapple on June 01, 2009, 00:22:33
Yes but it seems like some random incident.
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (Chapter three is up! :D)
Post by: chipset on June 01, 2009, 01:29:21
I really like the story so far, Pumpkinbot. The only constructive criticism I have is basically what Dataflashsabot said. But keep up the good work; I'd love to see what happens next! :)
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (Chapter three is up! :D)
Post by: Pumpkinbot on June 01, 2009, 01:57:17
Yes but it seems like some random incident.
Random? Random?! You haven't seen NOTHIN' yet! D:<
...Kidding. :P But he's in the next chapter I'm writing now (Chapter 4), and he may re-appear. :shifty: [/foreshadowing]


I really like the story so far, Pumpkinbot. The only constructive criticism I have is basically what Dataflashsabot said. But keep up the good work; I'd love to see what happens next! :)
I'll fix it now. :)

EDIT: The book is split into two parts, part one being "Conspiracy Theory." Part two is a secret. :U
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (CHAPTER 7! :D 6/4/09)
Post by: Pumpkinbot on June 05, 2009, 06:20:34
I'm gonna bump this because there's two chapters nobody's read, and it's been a while since anyone posted. (*shot by InvisiModTM*)
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (CHAPTER 7! :D 6/4/09)
Post by: Evil on June 05, 2009, 13:00:10
I'm gonna bump this because there's two chapters nobody's read, and it's been a while since anyone posted. (*shot by InvisiModTM*)

I sense advertising (http://www.invisitech.co.uk/invisimod.shtml)

The main character seems boring so far...
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (CHAPTER 7! :D 6/4/09)
Post by: Pumpkinbot on June 05, 2009, 23:19:54
I'm gonna bump this because there's two chapters nobody's read, and it's been a while since anyone posted. (*shot by InvisiModTM*)

I sense advertising (http://www.invisitech.co.uk/invisimod.shtml)

The main character seems boring so far...
X) I didn't even know there was a InvisiMod. I meant InvisiMod as in Invisible Moderator. :P
Anyway, they seem boring? Connor, I guess so. Gloria...Meh, maybe. I'll try to spice it up! *adds cinnamon*
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (Chapter 8! :U And moar backstory. 6/5/09)
Post by: utherdoul on June 06, 2009, 13:56:40
A few grammatical issues (I overuse commas, I think, but you seem to underuse them a bit!) but this is getting really quite interesting!

Oh, and Osbert becomes Albert for one sentence in Chapter 8...
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (Chapter 8! :U And moar backstory. 6/5/09)
Post by: Pumpkinbot on June 06, 2009, 22:09:19
A few grammatical issues (I overuse commas, I think, but you seem to underuse them a bit!) but this is getting really quite interesting!

Oh, and Osbert becomes Albert for one sentence in Chapter 8...
*headdesk* He went through a name-change. I'll fix it. Also, if you want to see underuse fo commas, read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. :P But tha doesn't distract from the book's awesomeness! :D
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (Chapter 8! :U And moar backstory. 6/5/09)
Post by: utherdoul on June 07, 2009, 14:57:40
Indeed, HGttG is pretty good. I suppose commas are to some extent down to the discretion of the author and how you want the sentences to sound; what pauses to go where, etc.
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (New movie ruined it. D: )
Post by: Purple Pineapple on July 18, 2009, 18:30:16
Awww. I'm sorry this didn't work out in the end.
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (New movie ruined it. D: )
Post by: Pumpkinbot on July 22, 2009, 05:09:58
Awww. I'm sorry this didn't work out in the end.
That's okay. I also realized how similar it was to National Treasure 2. X-P
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (New movie ruined it. D: )
Post by: Purple Pineapple on July 22, 2009, 06:35:30
Not really..?
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (New movie ruined it. D: )
Post by: Pumpkinbot on July 24, 2009, 23:23:12
Not really..?
This story was going to be somewhat based off of Green Day's album, "21st Century Breakdown". One of the lines from "Last of the American Girls" is "She's got a little book of conspiracies right in her hand". That book was going to have conspiracies like the President's book from NT2.
Title: Re: [WIP/Story] Class of 2012 (New movie ruined it. D: )
Post by: Purple Pineapple on July 24, 2009, 23:57:01
Ah.