Corrupt-a-Wish

Granted! You have a new nerdy theatre friend named Robert. Unfortunately he only wants to see avant-garde collage plays scored with totalism music. Lucinda would go to the theatre with you because she has been meaning to see more plays but she lives 4000 miles away.

I wish it was cooler to listen to Enya.

Granted. It is now possible to listen to Enya with the AC on.

I wish I knew what to do in this situation I'm in.

Granted, but whatever course of action you take will inevitably lead to my death (because we're calling back to that one I guess).

I wish for an extra life so we can bypass the Purple Ink curse.

Granted. Your new life body can only breathe chlorine so you die again pretty quickly.

I wish it would stop raining already.

Granted! There is a meteor shower and the earth is surrounded by a dust cloud and we go extinct.

I wish the pop-up French restaurant was open on Saturdays so I could have my birthday there.

Granted! The pop-up French restaurant is open on Saturday! You could go but you don't because greenhouse gases reflecting off of Venus makes it look like the apocalypse so you stay indoors for the rest of your life.

I wish I could tell what day of the week it is.

Granted. It is Friday. As long as it stays Friday, you'll be fine.

I wish for the atmosphere to be chlorine so that I can survive with my extra life.

Granted, but now your hair and skin always feels dry and squeaky. Oops!

I wish I could stop always remembering cringey things I did in the past.

Granted. Because you don't remember it you do it again and again losing all your friends because of all that cringe.

I wish I didn't have massive headache every time I return home after being several days (or 2 weeks in this case) somewhere else.

Granted, but now you have a headache all the time except for a few hours after you get home from a long trip.

I wish I didn't feel bad about giving Polana a virtually permanent headache.

Granted, a magical genie appears and makes you a sociopath, so now you have no empathy. You become a burglar and later go on a killing spree for fun. You get away with it, but your life is meaningless.

I wish there was universal basic income for everyone in the world.