Corrupt-a-Wish

Granted! You have a new nerdy theatre friend named Robert. Unfortunately he only wants to see avant-garde collage plays scored with totalism music. Lucinda would go to the theatre with you because she has been meaning to see more plays but she lives 4000 miles away.

I wish it was cooler to listen to Enya.

Granted. It is now possible to listen to Enya with the AC on.

I wish I knew what to do in this situation I'm in.

Granted, but whatever course of action you take will inevitably lead to my death (because we're calling back to that one I guess).

I wish for an extra life so we can bypass the Purple Ink curse.

Granted. Your new life body can only breathe chlorine so you die again pretty quickly.

I wish it would stop raining already.

Granted! There is a meteor shower and the earth is surrounded by a dust cloud and we go extinct.

I wish the pop-up French restaurant was open on Saturdays so I could have my birthday there.

Granted! The pop-up French restaurant is open on Saturday! You could go but you don't because greenhouse gases reflecting off of Venus makes it look like the apocalypse so you stay indoors for the rest of your life.

I wish I could tell what day of the week it is.