Nifflas' Support Forum
Released Games => The Great Work => Topic started by: Nifflas on January 27, 2013, 16:50:06
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I'm adding a last section to the game with information about the documentary film and music. Does this look okay, or should I improve something? I'm not super good with grammar and spelling as you know :)
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I think most of the text on Christer Böke should be switched to past tense. Also, perhaps "his defunct grandfather" would sound nicer than "his dead grandfather":
During this year he moved to the island of Gotland on the Swedish countryside, where he built a laboratory in his defunct grandfather's garage. He also lived in France for three months, to learn the language and exchange ideas with French alchemists.
About the Knaster section, I would replace "...a Swedish band which makes..." with "...a Swedish band that makes...".
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I think most of the text on Christer Böke should be switched to past tense.
I think the present tense came from the source of this paragraph (grtwrk.com), which describes the events from the documentary's perspective. I agree that in our context it'd be better in past tense. For 'dead grandfather', I'd suggest 'late grandfather' or 'deceased grandfather' though.
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Thanks for the input! How about this?
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Looks great! :)
Ponto suggested a comma here, and I also think it'd fit well:
"on the Swedish countryside, where he"
Also, I'd change the semicolon after 'Knaster' to a comma:
"music by Knaster, a Swedish band"
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Sure! I'll change those!
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"late grandfather" is the best choice in my opinion. I was going to suggest it before reading the other comments. "dead grandfather" sounds irreverent.
Here's the whole thing in past-tense with some small details changed:
Christer Böke took one year off from a well-paid job as an IT-salesman to become a full-time alchemist. During that year he moved to the island of Gotland in the Swedish countryside where he built a laboratory in his late grandfather's garage. Then, he lived three months in France studying the language and exchanging ideas with French alchemists.
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Here's revision 3 with all suggestions added.
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Looks good to me. :)
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Super!
I'm going to check with the filmmakers if it's also appropriate with a section about Knytt Underground. A free game is a nice opportunity to direct attention to KU's Greenlight page.
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The "Then, he lived..." I would replace it with "He then lived ..."
EDIT: Nifflas told me its neither because then suggests it happens afterwards, but thats not true.
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Got to get rid of "then" completely. It did not happen after, but during. Do you guys have any suggested ways to do that?
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How about: "He lived three months in France as well studying..."
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This is what I have now:
"Christer Böke took one year off from a well-paid job as an IT-salesman to become a full-time alchemist. During that year he moved to the island of Gotland in the Swedish countryside, where he built a laboratory in his late grandfather's garage. He lived three months in France as well studying the language and exchanging ideas with French alchemists."
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looks good to me :)
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Here's one more section
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I would just add "...with the ball-bouncing mechanic from Within a Deep Forest."
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That looks perfect to me with Ponto's addition.
For the previous one, a comma in the new part would make it much easier on the eyes:
"He lived three months in France as well, studying the language and exchanging ideas with French alchemists."
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For the previous one, a comma in the new part would make it much easier on the eyes:
"He lived three months in France as well, studying the language and exchanging ideas with French alchemists."
Or alternatively, "While living in France, he studied the language and exchanged ideas with French alchemists." If the amount of time he spent there isn't a major detail.